"How to write a SEX scene"

Let's talk about sex bayyyyyyyyybee ...  don't let your kids read... 

So I'm working on my book (Dark Woods) and I am faced with  that point where I'm thinking about there being the first love scene ...

Well - I am always uncomfortable writing scenes of this caliber of intimacy .... I am a prude in a way that ....  well ... TMI ... I don't even talk dirty during IRL sex.   I was one of those girls who always went to the bathroom to change in school because I didn't want anyone looking at me.  I like the room 100% dark when I get naked.  I don't want to look at my body, why would anyone else?

So if that's how I feel about myself.... how can I write something like that?

Now I have the attitude of ....  I don't really care anymore.   I don't have the confidence of some larger women do who literally scream the "no body shame" message (which I love) ...  but I don't have the whole "I need it to be so dark I don't know where your face is to kiss" kind of dark....

Maybe that's why this love scene wasn't as difficult to write as ones in the past....

BUT before I did, my sister Sammy and I were cracking up laughing about a couple of  "How to Write A Sex Scene" lists .....

I was telling her how I'm a prude and she 100% doesn't believe me ....  "jokingly" looked up "How to write a sex scene" ....

These are, funny and great lists.  Both of them are.  There are jabs of amusement in what these authors felt are legitimate "rules" to live by ....

Before I go on, I would like to re-tell a little story I recently shared for another reason.

When I was a teenager (mid-to-late teen) .... I was dead set against READING those SMUT books that my friends were.  I mean, I felt like I was being a "peeping tom" reading sex scenes in books.  (I still feel like a voyeur and end up skimming the scenes) ... when I say SMUT books, I'm talking those sex packed books with guys like Fabio on the cover with the long hair and oiled bare chests exposing their "happy time trial" and the snap and zipper of their jeans undone/unzipped to seductively suggest that you could be with a man like the one on the cover .... just .... by .... reading .... the ..... book.....

Plus, I had four boys by immaculate conception and I'm still a virgin .....  Sammy is too, same thing happened to her....  had a baby by immaculate conception ... cuz ....  we're good girls.

Yeah, no....  I don't write smut..... I never have, never will.....

Not that there is anything wrong with writing it, or reading it ..  it's just not my cup of tea...  lol

SO .... with that said.....   **** <--- appears before my comments  (ALSO anything with a white background is not written by me, LOL)

HOW TO WRITE A SEX SCENE  <---- was the first link I clicked on.  LOL...  it read as follows....

Step 1: Never compare a woman’s nipples to:
a) Cherries
b) Cherry pits
c) Pencil erasers
d) Frankenstein’s bolts

Nipples are tricky. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and shades. They do not, as a rule, look like much of anything, aside from nipples. So resist making dumbshit comparisons.

Note: I am guilty of the last.

**** UM .....  pencil erasers ...... OMG that turns me on.   "My nipples were so hard like a pencil eraser as he ran his thumb around it teasing me" .... that totally works.  I mean you get the idea ... ALSO .....  the writer (a he) .... he's guilty of making dumbshit comparisons ... or calling nipples Frankenstein's bolts?  Cuz...... nope, not gonna....  

Step 2: Never, ever use the words penis or vagina.
There is no surer way to kill the erotic buzz than to use these terms, which call to mind—my mind, at least—health classes (in the best instance) and (in the worst instance) venereal disease.

As a rule, in fact, there is often no reason at all to name the genitals. Consider the following sentence:

“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for my penis.”

Now consider this alternative:

“She wet her palm with her tongue and reached for me.”

Is there any real doubt as to where this particular horndoggle is reaching?

**** I am forever use the term "horndoggle" ...  instead of "horndoggie" ....  ALSO ... when I hear the word vagina and/or penis - I don't think health class OR venereal disease ...  of course the word penis is tossed around like a ball in my house  (ha ha ha I said ball, but not THOSE balls, geez) ...   And "SHE" may wet her palm and bi-pass the penis and go straight for the foot, cuz she has a foot fetish people....  we don't know though cuz it's not specified!!  Just sayin' 

Step 2a: Resist the temptation to use genital euphemisms, unless you are trying to be funny.
No: Tunnel of Love, Candy Shop, Secret Garden, Pleasure Gate

Equally No: Flesh Kabob, Magic Wand, Manmeat

Especially No: Bearded Clam, Tube Steak, Sperm Puppet

I could go on, but only for my own amusement.

**** WAIT ..... COME ON ...... that's half my fun right there!!!  

Step 3: Then again, sometimes sex is funny.
And if you ever saw a videotape of yourself in action, you’d agree. Don’t be afraid to portray comic aspects. If one of your characters, in a dire moment of passion, hits a note that sounds eerily like Celine Dion, duly note this. If another can’t stay hard, allow him to use a ponytail holder for an improvised cock ring. And later on, if his daughter comes home and demands to know where her ponytail holder is, well, so be it.

****  "Draw me like one of your French girls Jack..." .... and if you don't know what movie that line is from, we can't be friends...... 

WAIT!?!?!   A ponytail holder as an improvised cock ring ......  really?  I don't know if I could laugh or cry at the thought ....  I'll just shake my head and move on ....  

BUT before I go ........ then you make the daughters pony tail holder.......  WTF ..... 

Step 4: Real people do not talk in porn clichés.
They do not say: “Give it to me, big boy.”

They do not say: “Suck it, baby. That’s right, all the way down.”

They do not say: “Yes, deeper, harder, deeper! Oh baby, oh Christ, yes!”

At least, they do not say these things to me.

Most of the time, real people say all kinds of weird, funny things during sex, such as, “I think I’m losing circulation” and “I’ve got a cramp in my foot” and “Oh, sorry!” and “Did you come already? Goddamn it!”

**** SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!  Bawahahahahahhahaha 

..... on that note, while I was reading Step 4 to Dennis out loud ....  he is playing this game on his phone called HOLE.io and he says something to the effect of "Goddammit, this asshole won't stop eating me" ........  I stopped dead, looked at him, and go "that's what she said"  Then he is all "GET IN MY HOLE" ..... and I'm sitting there .... thinking...  he's sugar coating this and giving it to me on a silver platter!  "That is DEFINITELY what she said" 

You go around and being a sink hole and as you "eat" people, cars, lights, trees, you get bigger and can eat buildings and yeah.... you do as much damage as you can in two minutes.... 

Step 5: Use all the senses.
The cool thing about sex—aside from its being, uh, sex—is that it engages all five of our human senses. So don’t ignore the more subtle cues. Give us the scents and the tastes and the sounds of the act. And stay away from the obvious ones. By which I mean that I’d take a sweet, embarrassed pussyfart over a shuddering moan any day.

You may quote me on that.

****  I just did ... quote you on that at least.  

But ah ....  "pussyfart" has a name ya know.... 

......  there should be NO speaking of quefing...... OR any kind of farting during sex.  

Cuz you don't want to smell any fart when you are trying to be sexy .... 

Step 6: Don’t obsess over the rude parts.
Sex is inherently over the top. Just telling the reader that two (or more) people are balling will automatically direct us toward the genitals. It is your job, as an author, to direct us elsewhere, to the more inimitable secrets of the naked body. Give us the indentations on the small of a woman’s back, or the minute trembling of a man’s underlip.

****balling?  I mean I thought early on this was a guy writing this but using the term "balling" ... yeah it's a guy.  (And it is a guy who wrote this) ....  and I can't argue with this tip....  

Step 7: Don’t forget the foreplay.
It took me a few years (okay, 20) to realize this, but desire is, in the end, a lot sexier than the actual humping part. So don’t make the traditional porno mistake. Don’t cut from the flirtatious discussion to the gag-defying fellatio. Tease the reader a little bit. Let the drama of the seduction prime us for the action.

**** that should be a rule for life .... LOLOLOLOLOL

Step 8: Fluid is fun.
Sex is sticky. There is no way around this. If you want to represent the truth of the acts, pay homage to the resultant wetnesses. And I’m not just talking about semen or vaginal fluid. I’m also talking sweat and saliva, which I consider to be the perfume of lovers, as well as whatever one chooses as a lubricant. (Sesame oil is my current fave, but it changes from week to week.)

**** "which I consider to be the perfume of lovers..."   That's right dude, YOU CONSIDER ...   fluid is not always fun, I mean - it's there ... it happens ...  but ah.... going straight to the word fun?  Nah, I'll pass.... 

Step 9: It takes a long time to make a woman come.
I speak here from experience. So please, don’t try to sell us on the notion that a man can enter a woman, elicit a moan or two, and bring her off. No sale. In fact, I’d steer clear of announcing orgasms at all. Rarely, in my experience, do men or women announce their orgasms. They simply have them. Their bodies are taken up by sensation and tossed about in various ways. Describe the tossing.

**** ....... he picked her up and tossed her in a bowl with some carrots and cabbage julienned into long thin pieces...  once he had her there, naked and moaning while he massaged her with a sweet smelling vinaigrette....

Every book should have a sex scene started like that....  

Step 10: It is okay to get aroused by your own sex scenes.
In fact, it’s pretty much required. Remember, part of the intent of a good sex scene is to arouse the reader. And you’re not likely to do that unless you, yourself, are feeling the same delicious tremors. You should be envisioning what you’re writing and—whether with one hand or two—transcribing these visions in detail.

**** :::: looks around, terrified ::::

Step 11: Contrary to popular belief, people think during sex.
I know this is going to be hard for some of the men in the crowd to believe, but it’s true. The body may race when it comes to sex, but the mind is also working overtime. And just what do people think about? Laundry. Bioterrorism. Old lovers. That new car ad. Sex isn’t just the physical process. The thoughts that accompany the act are just as significant (more so, actually) as the gymnastics.

****(couple are having sex on a trampoline)  bounce bounce bounce ....  hey .... bounce bounce ... did you see that new special on anthrax?  bounce bounce bounce bounce yeah - everyone died .....   OMG that turns me on .....  BOUNCE HARDER BOUNCE HARDER

I tell everyone I meet to moo during sex and tell me how the other person reacts ... true story.  "Next time you have sex, do me a favor and just randomly MOO ....  tell me what happens" .... LOLOLOL... so if you read this, and do it ....  comment below! LOL .... j/k - not really but kinda

Step 12: If you ain’t prepared to rock, don’t roll.
If you don’t feel comfortable writing about sex, then don’t. By this, I mean writing about sex as it actually exists, in the real world, as an ecstatic, terrifying, and, above all, deeply emotional process. Real sex is compelling to read about because the participants are so utterly vulnerable. We are all, when the time comes to get naked, terribly excited and frightened and hopeful and doubtful, usually at the same time. You mustn’t abandon your lovers in their time of need. You mustn’t make of them naked playthings with rubbery parts. You must love them, wholly and without shame, as they go about their human business. Because we’ve already got a name for sex without the emotional content: It’s called pornography.

**** I feel as if this is directed to the smut authors out there......  (like the woman who wrote the next set of RULES) ....

Bonus Step! Step 13: Read the Song of Songs.
The Song of Songs, for those of you who haven’t read the Bible in a while, is a long erotic poem that somehow got smuggled into the Old Testament. It is the single most instructive document you can read if you want to learn how to write effectively about the nature of physical love.

I am not making this up.

**** The Bible has porn?    Yes, I am waiting for the lightening bolt to shoot me down.... 

25 HUMPALICIOUS STEPS FOR WRITING YOUR FIRST SEX SCENE 

This article is written by this author ....  her book that came out at the time she wrote the article .... (2013) 

****The books I write do not have bare chested long hair wearing "I'm too sexy for my shoes" boy-man-people on the cover .... guys who look like they belong on a pirate ship .... how much oil did they use on his chest?   Just sayin.....  

I never set out to be a romance writer. When I was asked to turn a black-out scene into steamy hot sex, at first I panicked. Then I followed these 25 easy steps and panicked some more. And then I got a three-book deal for a paranormal romance series with Simon & Schuster, despite being a somewhat prudish Southern girl who’s been married to her college sweetheart since 2002 and has never actually seen a pair of assless chaps. And you can, too! Here’s how.

**** Didn't I just say that I was a prudish girl too?  Not Southern, but I have another personality named Lemon who is a southern bell ...  and my family hates me when I start talking with my flawless southern accent calling myself Lemon...  as soon as they hear it it's all "OH SHIT!  LEMON!!" and they run screaming ....  I don't get it ....  LOL.... 

1. FIRST OF ALL, GET DRUNK.

See? It starts out with something easy. Pick your favorite liquor—the one that makes you loose and happy, not upchucking into a clothes dryer. Get comfortable. Light a candle. Have two drinks. Slide down in your chair. And then gently place your fingertips on the hot, slick… buttons of your keyboard. If you’ve never written a sex scene before, you’re probably going to be either terrified or embarrassed, and both of those emotions are a lot easier to swallow when mixed with vodka.

****Um....... this is WONDERFUL advice .... but I don't drink.  No I'm not in AA ... I don't drink by choice, and I don't like the taste of alcohol ... just like I don't like coffee ..... and I live in (Seattle) the mecca of coffee

2. POP YOUR CHERRY IN PRIVATE.

So let’s assume you’re drunk and about to start writing words like “pert nipples”. Trust me on this one: you’re going to want to do it alone, not at Starbucks with some little old granny staring over your shoulder as some baby screeches to Jason Mraz in the background. You also don’t want some well-meaning and curious spouse or roommate butting in to ask if you could take out the trash or, even worse, to see how the pornifying is going.

**** new term ..... pornifying

I might need to write that one down ....

So ....  when I write sex scenes, usually while I'm in bed, next to my snoring husband - not exactly private but .... kinda?  When it's during the day cuz I stopped .... in the middle .... cuz I feel asleep drooling on my laptop...  I usually corner my laptop so the hubby can't look at my screen go "Why don't you ever do that!?!?!"   To which I would reply with ..... wait, never mind... yeah...  TMI, never mind ....  

ANYWAY ....  cornering the laptop so the spouse can't see, not always a wise idea because.... then you get all these accusations tossed at you like.... you have a boyfriend, who you talking to ... ah... that asshole better be a sugar daddy .... stuff like that.  But that's never happened to me.... 

No really, it hasn't.....  

3. PREPARE TO HAVE HAIRY PALMS, BUT IN YOUR BRAIN.

Writing sex is a lot like masturbating. It’s all in your head— what you like, what you think would be hot, what two ideal people would hypothetically do with a hypothetical saddle. And if you can translate that well enough into words, other people will be titillated and foam at the mouth for your books and stick greasy one-spots in your literary g-string. So really put your back into it.

And that’s another reason to do this alone: it can… affect you. In physical ways that can be embarrassing. Your hands might roam as you contemplate the prose, your mouth might fall open, a small moan of “Ooh, Thorin Oakenshield!” might escape you. Did you masturbate for the first time in a public place? If so… wow. Congratulations on not getting arrested, or at least on having a good lawyer. Do this alone.

****

W

T

F

from now on all I am going to think of if I read a sex scene in a book is ..... "oh, I wonder if the author masturbated while writing this"

ROFLMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Thorin Oakenshield???

like that is totally a porn name....I wonder if she got that from one of those "What's your Porn Name" graphics

Sammy said it was clearly the hobbit porn name generator ....  she's probably right .... 

4. DO NOT STOP. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED PADDLES WITH A RIDING CROP.

Sometimes, as a writer, it can benefit the story to leave a scene half-written, take a break, and come back to it. Not so with sex. What if someone stood up in the middle of your sweat-laced tomfoolery and went away to reblog gender-reversed Batman comics on tumblr? No, if you want it to read like one smooth, seamless experience, just write the damn thing in one heaving burst. You’ll make changes later, but don’t stop writing until the walls would look horrible under a blacklight.

**** 

.......................

......................

I am never going to a romance writers convention ....

........ without a blacklight

....................................... hopefully we're not sharing rooms.... 

5. SELF EDITING WHILE WRITING A SEX SCENE IS LIKE APOLOGIZING DURING BAD SEX.

Just as all first drafts are vomit, and just as you need to get this scene hurled out, don’t go back and reread bits and rethink your word choices and how many times you’ve used the word “wet”. You’re going to use it a lot, if the sex is decent. Do not look back while you’re writing it or think about how wretched it is. Of course it’s wretched. It’s the literary equivalent of virgin sex. Just be glad no one’s mom is going to walk down to the basement and catch you on the pool table with your Hammer pants around your ankles.

**** (sad face) I had bad sex for ten years, but I didn't know it was bad sex......  

and "wet" is almost as bad as "moist" 

6. DO NOT BE A BODY SNATCHER. UNLESS IT’S SOME KIND OF ALIEN PORN.

Some books switch back and forth between points of view, but in general, writing sex is far more fluid– HA HA FLUID– if you limit yourself to one character’s thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Not only does this help the reader keep track of pronouns and hands, but can you imagine having sex if you had to hear every single thought the other person was having? DEAR GOD, THE GROCERY LISTS. And that should go without saying– no grocery lists, even if you’re out of butter. Like Marlon Brando.

****  OMG THE ANTHRAX!!!  I always think about butter while having sex .. CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER....... spray!   Muahahahhaahhaha....  takes that to a whole new level doesn't it?  That and Fabio ....

7. CONSIDER THE LOWLY JIMMY HAT.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a romance book neglects to take into account that most women (and men!) have very strong feelings about whether or not they wish to end up preggers after a sexual encounter. A simple throwaway line about a condom, how glad she is she took her pill, how he’s always wanted a son, or why he has a big red V tattooed across his balls should do it. You are, however, forbidden from using the phrase “the telltale rip of foil”, as 50 Shades has copywritten it.

****  Her:  I hope the condom broke, I know I poked ten holes in it but that might not be enough...  Him:  I'm gonna double wrap it because I think I saw some holes in the ::: tell tale rip of the foil ::: 

8. WHEN IN DOUBT, CAREFULLY STUDY PORN. I MEAN, READ ROMANCE. AND PORN.

If you need inspiration, go read the sex scenes from your favorite romances– or check out Chuck’s post about it, including oodles of recommendations. See what works for you and what doesn’t. Notice how the author builds to it, what the characters say and don’t say, the words and euphemisms and cliches used. Or– best homework ever– have sex. Or watch porn. It’s not great for emotional value, but it can remind you of the very many bizarre ways bodies can meet. As a serious writer, it’s all too easy to get caught up in word count and plot and no adverbing and OMG, is spanking in this week? But at the base of it, we’re talking about a very primal act, and practice makes perfect for doing it *and* writing it.

**** who cares about the condom

I mean - let's talk about the real let down of a small penis!!!

there is only one person I know who likes pencil dicks

9. REMEMBER SETTING, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS SPLINTERS IN THEIR PUDENDUM.

Another pet peeve: a virgin’s first experience takes place in Earl Humperdink’s hayloft. Sounds sexy, but have you ever been in a hayloft? Dust, dirt, cobwebs, maggots, scorpions, stray cats, tetanus-laced nails, the scent of dysenteric cows, and possibly an entire barn full of zombies. Not sexy. So if you’re putting your characters in a weird place, trespass on someone else’s property and literally roll in the hay to see how very much it pricks your prick. Try having sex on a counter, or kitchen table, or a hammock. At the very least, simulate some moves in the setting and see if you can stay upright/undiseased/free of porcupine quills. If it’s not realistic, your readers will lose trust in you. And your ability to sex.

**** Earl Humperdink's ......... omg - dying.....

10. LET SHIT GET CRAY.

I have no idea what this means. I wrote this list at 2am while on NyQuil. LET SHIT GET CRAY sounded pretty good at the time.

**** 2 AM and NyQuil and Cray are my middle names ..... it's when I'm most sane! 

11. WORDS TO AVOID, EVEN IF THEY’RE TRUE.

Turgid, swollen, purple, wrinkled, tumescent, pert. Those are on my list. You probably have different ones, although I suggest you add “turgid” to it right now. While some words may accurately describe sex or a sex organ, they are not, themselves, sexy. Like moist. Or penis. I mean, it’s just an awful word, and all of you men should be ashamed of having one. Read several romance books and angrily circle the no-no words to refresh your mammary. I mean, memory.

**** peeeeeeeeenis

I like peni

can I touch your peni

I want to touch your twig and berries

how about swollen pogo-stick

moving on ....

12. HOW CRAY DOES IT GET?

Oh, wait! Now I remember why I wrote #10. Your first instinct will probably be to keep things very conservative and not let your freak flag fly at all, lest people see what a truly twisted nympho you are. But “John laid Mary gently on the bed and they did it missionary style and it was nice” does not sell 1/1,000,000th as many copies as “Mr. Gray beat a clumsy teenage girl with a garden hose and then stuck it in her armpit with a scoop of pizza sauce to lubricate.” Just as you have to let things get a little out of hand, you have to know when to rein it in. How far it goes will depend on your audience, and only erotica writers can really get freaky with pizza sauce.

**** Mr. Gray needs to get arrested for beating a teenage girl with a hose and using pizza sauce is a crime all on it's own .....

has anyone told Mrs. Gray he's doing this shit? LOLOLOLOL

oh nevermind - they were role playing

13. DOUBLE RAINBOW? UNREALISTIC AS HELL, BUT ALMOST EXPECTED.

Count the number of times you and your partner have had simultaneous orgasms. Unless you’re Sting, I won’t have to wait for the tally. It happens 4000 times more in books than it does in real life. But most readers will feel better if everyone gets their happy ending, even if someone has to be finished off in some other way, or one person uses their lack of confetti cannons as character development or a sign of why this relationship with the undead wereunicorn baron… dum dum duuuuuuum! CANNOT BE.

**** 

undead

wereunicorn

baron .........

what.does.that.even.look.like

14. HAVE A CIGARETTE. BUT A BUBBLEGUM ONE, SO YOU WON’T DIE OF THE CANCER.

So you’ve just written The Best Sex Scene Ever. Time to end the chapter and move on to the real action, right? Wrong. Your story needs a lull, an afterglow, a reaction to the sex just as honest as people have in real life. It doesn’t have to be all cupcakes and rainbows—maybe he storms off, maybe she runs for the shower, maybe they tell Muppet jokes while he offers her a Clorox wipe. But what happens immediately following the sex can be just as important as the sex. It may seem like a small thing, but falling asleep in a lover’s arms (or not) for the first time can be a big deal. Especially if he’s the kind of guy who has a hook for a hand.

**** a Clorox wipe?  Do people actually DO that?  Really?  Who thinks of that?  ...Actually I could believe people think of that cuz I thought it the other night .......   j/k.... or am I? 

15. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE, AVOID EYE CONTACT.

Ever notice how sex often makes things even more awkward? It may scratch one itch, but then it works you over like a hungry ferret and leaves you with hundreds of new trouble spots. After sex, the characters will glance away, avoid eye contact, doubt themselves, doubt each other, maybe rethink their involvement. Chances are, one of them feels more secure than the other. At the very least, even if they’re both happy, something in your story must push them apart, or they would just spend three months in bed, humping like rabbits.

**** a w k w a r d  but seriously - that's how I got pregnant with #3 .... the fuck like rabbits marathon sex ..... it's a dangerous thing ...  leads to more births than porn.... 

16. KEEP WRITING, MOTHERFUCKER.

Because the story keeps going. Let the new sexual tension and awkwardness play into the story’s climax, but don’t let the entire point of the book be about sex. Most romance novels have a kissing or make-out scene that surprises both characters early on; one very detailed “first sex” scene somewhere between halfway and three-quarters of the way through; and then at least one other, “Oh, okay, we’re good at this; let’s hump HARDER scene” closer to the end. Your mileage/sexytimes meter may vary. But keep writing until it’s done.

**** YOU CAN STOP RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE AND GET BACK INTO I T...  I know you can, I did it yesterday .. LOL..... I stopped, went to sleep and picked it back up and it was way better then if I had probably kept writing ....  actually I might have stopped because my husband was trying to see who my sugar daddy was but that's beside the point.....  

17. BAD NEWS: HEMINGWWAY SAID YOU HAVE TO EDIT SOBER.

My writing process = vomit up an entire first draft, leave it to marinate slone in the dark, edit. Which works for sex scenes, as I need to get some distance away from them to really see them with new eyes and clean them the hell up. At the very least, don’t write the sex scene on Monday night and expect to perfect it on Tuesday morning. Go away for a while and let the fetid, bleach-like funk dissipate and harden. Then bring a chainsaw instead of a mop.

**** FUCK THIS!

first she says drunk

now she says sober

make up your damn mind

18. DON’T FORGET THE GRANNY.

Remember that granny at Starbucks? You can call this one Delilah’s Rule: The dirtier the scene you’re attempting to edit at Starbucks, the older and sweeter the granny that sits beside you. You can’t avoid it. Just be ready to show your aggressive introversion with headphones and slightly cant your laptop to the side. Because granny’s curious. And she probably misread the word “cant” and already thinks you’re a horrible person.

**** honestly - I think nosy granny is playing the prude but really she gets down to her girdle and slip with Tom, Dick and Henry ....

19. COUNT HANDS. FIND PANTIES. PROVIDE TISSUES.

The little details can make or break a sex scene, for a reader. Have a clear idea what the characters are wearing before they start to get undressed. Make sure everything—or at least the obstructions– get removed in a sexy fashion. Make sure he takes off his socks and shoes if he gets totally nekkid, because… have you seen porn? Ew. Make sure there aren’t six hands touching that chick if there’s only one dude involved. When I wrote my first sex scene, the hero accidentally removed the heroine’s corset three times, which made me sound like an idiot with a corset fetish. AS IF.

Oh, and if you have one of those scenes where the guy “leaves his sperm” in “her vagina”, she can’t just stand up and slip on a short skirt and play tennis. If you don’t know why, ask your sex ed teacher. Give the girl a shower or a tissue or SOMETHING.

**** yes .... you cannot grab boob, grab ass, and pull hair at the same time
unless the dude was born as an octopus ....

20. HELLO, THESAURUS. GOODBYE, THESAURUS.

The first time you edit your sex scene, you’re going to see these words a thousand times: hand, fingers, lick, taste, tongue, thigh, skin, hot, wet. Because… those are very accurate descriptions of the main tools of sex. You’ll want to vary usage so that it reads seamlessly. Be careful of using the thesaurus too much, though, because some words are too accurate and unsexy to work. “He laved her creamy pillows until his penis turned purple” might be true, but dry heaving should not be a reaction to sex scenes. If something stands out to you, rework it. Put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it.

**** He laved (<---what is that word?) her creamy pillows until his penis turned purple

Laved = To Wash  (wtf?) 

Loved maybe?  

He worshiped her velvety cushions until his love monkey turned lilac  <--- thesaurus is fun

21. MAKE IT A JACKHAMMER.

Remember in Mallrats, where they were doing the dating show, and the suitors were asked if their kisses were like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer? Gil answered, “Definitely a jackhammer, I’m in there with some pressure and when I’m done, you’re not the same as before. You’re changed.” And we laughed, because he was a douche. But your sex scene should be like that: it should move the story forward and somehow affect the characters emotionally. Maybe the hero learns to open up, maybe the heroine decides she wants to be more aggressive in her real life, maybe they’re just having what they think is a last fling before a giant orc battle. But it has to mean something, or else it’s just porn.

**** it's all porn .....  all of it ....  PORN .......  Orc Porn!  It's a thing... look it up.... 

::: looks it up on Google :::: 

no, no don't look it up - don't do it, you can't un-see that shit .... 

22. ASK SOMEONE ELSE TO READ IT AND GIVE YOU THEIR HONEST OPINION, PREFERABLY NOT A CLERGYMAN.

This is possibly the scariest part. With my first sex scene, I blushed and handed it to my husband. His response? “That’s hot.” And then I put down the bottle of wine. What works for you might not work for someone else, and you need an outside source you trust to tell you gently if your menage a trois with a penguin is just too much.

**** Could you imagine?  "Yes, ah, Pastor Fineass, could you read this for me and tell me what you think?"  He reads it, swallowing hard, trying to pull his collar away from his neck... making "ah"... "um" ... "Whhhhhhat the VIRGIN MARY..." and then he stands up and "Is that a banana in your pocket Pastor Fineass?" 

One way ticket straight to HELL .... 

23. EDIT AGAIN. REALLY. DID YOU COUNT THE HANDS?

Polish that rocket with a little extra elbow grease. When your regular book is rejected by agents or editors, it hurts like hell. When they softly and gently critique your sex scene, it’s like being kicked in the ‘nads and being told you’re a horrible lover. Do yourself a favor and really make it gleam, first.

**** Ummm....... or self publish! 

24. BUY YOURSELF SOME PRETTY NEW PANTIES, SPORT.

I’m a big believer in letting shit go, especially things that have served their purpose. If you’ve written the scene, edited it, shared it, cried, accepted the criticism, edited again, and hit the send button? Forget it. Don’t stay up at night, thinking about how there really were four hands and a rogue penguin flipper on her freckled mound. Just put the entire book, story, WHATEVER, right out of your mind and start writing the next thing. Let those raggedy-ass panties with the stretched-out elastic go and buy some frilly ones, possibly in that exciting new “Tonga” style.

**** So every time I write a sex scene..... I get new pretty underwear????  SCORE!!  Smut books here I come....... or is it cum?  Hummmmm

25. IF ANYONE COMPLAINS, DO NOT FLING USED CONDOMS AT THEM.

Truth? For some reason, I can read bad reviews and nod along and think, “Yeah, okay, I guess I can see that; my entire book is Buffy/Pirates of the Caribbean cross-over fanfic.” But when a review says the sex isn’t hot, cites parts of the sex scenes negatively, or otherwise critiques that hot, steamy pile of lovin’ I concocted? I cringe. And it’s going to happen, every time. As a writer, you must understand that this says as much about the reviewer and their sexual issues as it does about you and your writing issues, and that you therefore—even more than usual—cannot say anything in response or defend yourself intelligently. Just shrug, watch some porn, watch some more porn, and write harder.

Because you know what? Writing sex makes you feel powerful. It’s like lingerie for your brain. It doesn’t matter what you look like, how you dress, how you feel about your body, or how you can dance: if you can write a sex scene, you can turn people on with nothing but words.

And that’s pretty turgid.

**** But the first guy says it's not porn?  Now I'm all kinds of confused.   And writing sex makes me feel like a dirty dirty girl.....  or sometimes, depending ..... might be kinda proud I managed to spit that out on paper.......  not SPIT THAT OUT ..... OMG you freak....  


Thank you to Steve Almond and Delilah Dawson for both of these super fun takes on how to pop your cherry at writing sex scenes ....

..... I hope you find my additional comments a little witty, sarcastic and funny ....  cuz... if not, I wasted a whole day on this blog....

A WHOLE DAY I CAN NEVER GET BACK!!!

:::: whew ::::

I'm good now....  eh... I think?  I mean - still weird and nerdy but not longer stabby - well until something else comes along to make me stabby .... like Chapter 9.....   now to look up, "How to write a good morning after...."