Showing posts with label Article. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Article. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Taking Your Breath Away: It's All About the Killer Series


While faced with the task of trying to come up with some ways that the Serial Killer in my book kills... I of course turned to the interwebs to find a list I was sure that was out there - with all kinds of different ways to "murder" someone...

So when I found absolutely nothing, I was kinda shocked.....

... but then I started thinking, well, why give actual people who kill ideas ....

And then I thought, but they can just watch ID Channel to get all kinds of ideas ...

So why isn't there a master list out there?   Who knows..... but, guess I'm going to make one of my own.

So I sought out to create our own master list... and thought, I'm not going to limit it to just ways that the character(s) I'm writing would do, it's going to be a master, MASTER LIST ..


Asphyxiation is a tricky little thing.  There are several more uncontrollable (dare I say, natural) caused for being unable to breath. 

Hanging
Strangulation
Suffocation
Smothering
Drowning in various substances
Erotic asphyxiation gone wrong
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning
Halon Gas

A list on this website is: 

Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome
Carbon Monoxide Inhalation
Contact with certain chemicals. (like phosgene)
Drowning
Drug Overdose
Exposure to low pressure or vacuum
Hanging
Self-Induced Hypocapnia by Hyperventiliation
Inert gas asphyxiation
Congenital Central Hypoventilation Syndrome
Respiratory Diseases
Sleep Apnea
Seizure
Strangling
Breaking the wind pipe
Prolonged exposure to Chlorine Gas

Tools of the Game

Nylons/Stockings (Cindy)
Wire
Rope
Nylon or other cloth/fabric Cords
Ties
Phone Cord
Computer Cords
Belts
Electronic Power Cords
Pillows
Plastic Bags

Notes:

A woman is choked with her own nylons (Cindy)

suffocation by extended time locked in a fridge/freezer hidden in a scrapyard (Anton)

being compressed by weights until asphyxiation (Travis - See Also Stoning)

Monday, April 9, 2018

Is that a Rock in your Hand? - It's All About the Killer Series



While faced with the task of trying to come up with some ways that the Serial Killer in my book kills... I of course turned to the interwebs to find a list I was sure that was out there - with all kinds of different ways to "murder" someone...

So when I found absolutely nothing, I was kinda shocked.....

... but then I started thinking, well, why give actual people who kill ideas ....

And then I thought, but they can just watch ID Channel to get all kinds of ideas ...

So why isn't there a master list out there?   Who knows..... but, guess I'm going to make one of my own.

So I sought out to create our own master list... and thought, I'm not going to limit it to just ways that the character(s) I'm writing would do, it's going to be a master, MASTER LIST ..


Google Images
I first became aware of this practice while I was in high school and was in the Amnesty International.  You hear about it and you think, how could anyone do that?  Of course, I didn't get the internet until 1996 and by then I was out of high school and had a newborn, so I had a lot of other things on my mine then the women being murdered in Iran and the Middle East thanks to the word of their stupid-ass-husbands.

So I'm on this mission - and I remember, Stoning ....  I need to put that on my list because it hideous.  It is one of the few things that makes my stomach churn ... well any murder does, but as I was searching for graphics for this blog, I mean...  I am currently sitting here nauseated to the tenth degree.  There are death photos on Google of actual stonings.

To hear about it, and to see photos, it is two different things...  photos make that impact that even the imagination has a hard time drumming up.

Women can be falsely accused of adultery by their lying cheating I no longer want to be married to this woman husbands... and they do not need actual proof, they can just say "she cheated" and be done with it.  Now, if a woman wants to make a claim that her husband is lying and she never cheated.... SHE HAS TO PROVE IT.

It blows my mind....

And then I saw a photo of a child who had been stoned to death.  The child looked anywhere from 2 to 4-ish.  It's hard for me to tell exactly and I didn't see any information on the age.  However, apparently, a child can be stoned for disobeying their parents.

I mean....  gobsmacked.

Oh and ...  it is not illegal to do the stoning, but it is against the law to use the wrong size stone.  It cannot be too big or too small.  They don't want large rocks thrown that could kill them in one blow, and they don't want too small rocks thrown that cause no damage.

Although I don't suggest going and looking at the actual pictures ... I do recommend that you are aware of this practice.

I read that death by stoning came into use in Iran after the 1979 revolution.  Prior to that, it was used in Medieval times...  but it's on our radar because of the brutal deaths in the Middle East.

(You could watch the 2008 movie named THE STONING OF SORAYA M - about the true story of Soraya Manutchehri, an Iranian woman who was stoned to death in 1986 when her cheating husband accused her of adultery.  Not sure I recommend it.)

In the case of Soraya, from the articles I have read, stones were thrown at her for 7 1/2 minutes, and although her face was mutilated, her asshole husband approached her and check her - finding her alive.  He announced the "bitch" is still alive, and so they continued to throw stones at her for a few more minutes.  Then once they pulled her out of the ground, wild dogs basically fed off of her until only her bones were left.  Then her Aunt buried what bones she could find (I'm assuming because dogs can run off with bones.) ...

How covered the person is

I just can't anymore.

Beyond the stoning - as for throwing them - there are cases where stones are placed upon people until they are basically crushed to death.  I saw, in once case, a huge body sided stone was used to crush someone.

(Notes Below)
Google Images

Google Images

Google Images

Google Images

Google Images

Google Images


Notes:

Being compressed by weights until asphyxiation  (Travis - See Also Asphyxiation)


DO YOU HAVE ADDITIONAL IDEAS???  Please leave a comment and tell me about it!

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Things that Shoot: It's All About the Killer Series


While faced with the task of trying to come up with some ways that the Serial Killer in my book kills... I of course turned to the interwebs to find a list I was sure that was out there - with all kinds of different ways to "murder" someone...

So when I found absolutely nothing, I was kinda shocked.....

... but then I started thinking, well, why give actual people who kill ideas ....

And then I thought, but they can just watch ID Channel to get all kinds of ideas ...

So why isn't there a master list out there?   Who knows..... but, guess I'm going to make one of my own.

So I sought out to create our own master list... and thought, I'm not going to limit it to just ways that the character(s) I'm writing would do, it's going to be a master, MASTER LIST ..

Google Image


THINGS THAT SHOOT .... 

Interesting Link List of various weapons through various eras & areas

Guns
Blow Gun (poison dart, tranquilizer)
Bow & Arrows
Tranquilizer Gun
Cannons
Sling Shots
Catapults
Tanks (Military, other military equipment)
Rockets & Missiles (maybe belongs in Bombs & Explosions)
Flame Thrower (kind a gun of some kind right?)  (my friend Jennene suggested)
Nail Gun (my friend Jennene suggested) (also my Aunt Cindy)

I wasn't sure if  the following could actually kill people, so here are some notes...


Flare Gun  (my friend Jennene suggested)
I figured that you can kill with a flare gun.  I don't see why not when maybe shooting in certain areas ... but I wanted to make sure.  So I searched.  I saw that a father murdered his three children with a flare gun.  Gah! I hate reading stuff like that.  Here are two answers I thought were appropriate.  Both from HERE.

1:  Yes. It's a 10ga pistol, which means that its bore is larger than a 12ga shotgun (yes, I now it's a smaller number that 12ga, just trust me on this). 10ga is the largest bore that you can get without a special license, basically getting pretty damn close to an elephant gun, though obviously a snub-nosed smooth-bore pistol isn't going to be horribly accurate. 

Essentially, you have a charge larger than that of a 10ga shotgun shell, propelling an extremely hot burning projectile (generally using strontium nitrate for the red emergency flare) with such a velocity and thermal signature that it can be illuminated and high enough to seen up to 50 miles away (a SOLAS flare). Strontium nitrate is so dangerous as a pyrotechnic that specialty companies have to have unique federal licenses just to transport it cross-country (though for some reason they can sell it directly to you, which I don't understand). 

How dangerous are they? Consider the force behind a heavy burning flare that was going to go high enough to be seen for 50 miles. Just the blunt-force trauma alone would be devastating. It would definitely break bones, crush tissues, and possibly even penetrate into the body, at which point you'd have an object burning at many hundreds of degrees inside your gut. That would suck. 

These things are so powerful that hunters in the Pacific Northwest often carry them as a "point defense" weapon against freaking *bears,* and it usually sends the animal packing. Everybody knows that being on a merchant ship off of Somalia is a bad place to be these days. A couple of months back, a Danish cargo ship came under attack, fired a flare at the pirate boat... and sank it! 

Basically, they're nearly as dangerous as packing a conventional pistol, but you don't need a license or register with anyone. Still -- killing someone with a flare gun is probably still a felony offense.

2: A flare gun fires a flare; which is a pyrotechnic that contains highly combustible chemicals to produce a bright light. The flare burns very hot for a brief period, and can cause sever burns or even death to a person hit by it. Flares can be hot enough that they will even burn under water. 
The active ingredients in the flare are chemicals such as potassium nitrate, potassium perchlorate, strontium nitrate or calcium phosphide; usually mixed with other combustible ingredients.

Tazer & Tazer Gun
I didn't think this can "kill" people, but can definitely be useful.. (my friend Jennene suggested)  I was wrong though... Almost all 18,000 police departments in the U.S. issue their officers Tasers, or stun guns, as a non-lethal alternative to subdue people they might see as a threat. But in a five-part series, Reuters documented more than 1,000 incidents since 2000 in which their Tasers have killed people.

BB Gun
BB Guns can kill a person.  High-Velocity BB guns which have muzzle velocities higher than 350 feet per second can increase this risk.  The US Consumer Product Safety Commission has reports of about 4 deaths per year caused by BB guns or pellet guns.

Airsoft Rifles
This one is still kinda a mystery.  I'm sure there is always some way that it can be used as a lethal weapon but things I have read are mixed.  These guns are designed to shoot at humans and I have read that it is not as "powerful" as ... say... a BB gun.  I have read, though - that maybe if you modify the gun and/or use BB rounds instead of the safer alternative designed to be used with the airsoft rifles, that maybe it could be used as a murderous weapon.

Paintball Gun
Can do serious damage.  If you crank the velocity up past 300 and/or freeze the paintballs it does become a deadly weapon, especially if someone is not wearing a mask.  If you got shot in the temple at relatively close range, without protection of any kind, paintball marker's velocity above 300, and with (or maybe even without) frozen paintaballs, it could be lethal.  A paintball marker set above 300 FPS can easily break bones in your hand.

Many paintballers have said that paintballs do not freeze (they tried).  The few comments I read said that it takes forever for the paintballs to freeze and when they are removed from the freezer it thaws out very quickly.  If it doesn't thaw out in a few minutes it's so brittle that just the burst of air to fire it could shatter it before it even hits a target.  One commenter said that their frozen paintball turned to the consistency of sherbert when it thawed ...

Water Gun
No way this could be lethal right? But if there is poison or acid or maybe even a biological weapon ...  but definitely if there is some poison or something that could kill someone either long term, short term or immediate ... it could be used as a lethal weapon.  (s1 ep2 of Deception)

Hot Glue Gun ... (glue them to death! LOL) (my friend Jennene suggested)
So .... although I can't see this actually causing death.  I can see this being used as a type of torture (and will have to add it to my torture list.  So ...  using a hot glue gun to glue mouth shut? Eyes shut. hands together, feet together, all kinds of things can be "glued" together (sexual also?) ... also super glue!?

Silicone Gun ... (Jenna) probably the same lines as the Hot Glue Gun, however ......  if you have someone tied up, and you want to kill them with it...  or if they are drugged, you could fill their nose and mouth full of either hot glue or silicone and that would completely leave them unable to breath. 


METHODS...... 
Shooter vs. Victim
Gang Violence
The Mob
Firing Squads
Mass Shooting
Hunting People
Accidental Shootings (or was it? Muahhahahahaha)

Shot in the head or heart with a roofing nailer  (Cindy)


DO YOU HAVE ADDITIONAL IDEAS???  Please leave a comment and tell me about it! 


Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Ways of Torture - Spanish Boot & Foot Press



(all the graphics below are via Google Search)

I am doing research....  no really, it's research...

I have been fascinated with murderers for a long .....loooooong....... loooooooooooong time.  So working on this book and having a serial killer in it...  I'm taking the opportunity to do a lot of research because my serial killer ...  or is it killers? .... and I'm actually learning a lot.  I am also taking some notes from my constant watching of ID (channel) ...

Look at the times of the Salem Witch Trial where women and men who were accused of being a "witch" were jailed, treated horribly, and tortured until they admitted their guilt.

But this series includes some notes on Medieval Torture (or general torture devices)...

But the first thing I'm going to talk about is the SPANISH BOOT and the FOOT PRESS.

I have read that a lot of these different torture type devices were used in trials to coerce the truth out of the people they believed commited crimes of the time. It's sad in a way because it seems that this was a "guilty unless proved innocent" time of mentality and would very likely and very easily get people who were innocent to say they were guilty of something they really didn't do.

These are all very similar of a device, but also different too.  There are also similar things for the hands.

SPANISH BOOT



So the SPANISH BOOT was an iron casing for the leg and foot. (Sometimes only for the leg.)  Wood or iron wedges, or studs, would press against the skin, through the skin, into and through the muscles, eventually into the bones - breaking them - with every turn of a screw (or screws depending on how they were made.)

When you look up the "Spanish Boot" you see the following types of images (among others of different things)




But I think this is actually the SHIN CRUSHER which is a smaller device that squeezes the calf between two carved iron plates decorated with spikes, knobs, teeth, etc that specifically fractures the tibia and fibula.

However it the foot is in there in a flexed position, I can see it working with the foot in there.

These types of devices date as much as a thousand years back.  The first known type of - at least the idea of this device - was a Scottish effort.   They would make a boot-shaped rawhide version that would be soaked in water, put into place on the foot/lower leg, and bound in place with leather cords.  The book would be heated ever so slowly to make the rawhide/leather contract around the wearers leg and foot and it would apply sufficient pressure to cause pain but not enough pressure to actually break any bones. It was later made from leather, with hot boiling water poured over it, and it was known to actually eat the flesh away.

There were some that they would pour hot boiling water or oil INTO ... also.

There were also versions that started to be improved upon and would then be made out of wood and wedges that would actually would dislocate and crush the bones.

None of these sound pleasant...  and those pictures make me shiver.  A part of me always wanted to be a princess or live in that time, a tiny part, but those photos make the "princess" in me want to shrivel up and die!  Much like a lot of the "torture" devices.

This is what Wikipedia had to say:

The Spanish boot was an iron casing for the leg and foot. Wood or iron wedges were hammered in between the casing and the victim's flesh. A similar device, commonly referred to as a shin crusher, squeezed the calf between two curved iron plates, studded with spikes, teeth, and knobs, to fracture the tibia and fibula.[1]
Primitive forerunners of the archetype can be found dating back as far as a thousand years. The first Scottish effort also referred to as a buskin, made use of a vaguely boot-shaped rawhide garment that was soaked with water, drawn over the foot and lower leg, and bound in place with cords. The contraption was slowly heated over a gentle fire, drastically contracting the rawhide and squeezing the foot until the bones were dislocated, though there would not have been sufficient pressure actually to crush the bones of the foot. A more progressive variant, found in both the British Isles and France, consisted of a trio of upright wooden boards that splinted around and between the feet and were tied in place by cords. Wedges were hammered between the boards and the feet to dislocate and crush the bones. A prototype hailing from Autun, France, consisted of high boots of spongy, porous leather that were drawn over the feet and legs. Boiling water was poured over the boots, eventually soaking through the leather and eating the flesh away from the entrapped limbs. Lastly, oversized boots of iron or copper (often soldered in place on the floor) received the prisoner's bare feet as he lay helplessly bound and gagged in a chair. The boots were slowly filled with boiling water or oil, or even molten lead, to consume the feet and legs. One variant—applied in Ireland to the martyr Dermot O'Hurley—consisted of lightweight metal boots that were filled with cool water and heated with the feet inside over a fire until the water boiled aggressively.

FOOT PRESS


Similar to the Spanish Boot the FOOT PRESS or FOOT SCREW can (depending) look more like a boxy metal shoe that the bare foot in placed in, with spikes, teeth, knobs and screws that will cause discomfort and breaking into the skin, muscle, and bone much like the Spanish Boot.   This torture device has a crank mechanism that will eventually break the bones if it's taken to that point.



There have been other versions of this device too...  you can read about them on Wikipedia along with various references in cinema and literature!
A similar implement, the foot press or foot screw, consisted of a pair of horizontal iron plates slowly tightened around the bare foot by means of a crank mechanism to crush the bones. Although it was quite standard to line the lower plate with ribs to prevent the foot from popping out of the grip of the instrument as it became sweatier, a crueler variant of this device—typically encountered in Nuremberg, Germany—lined the upper plate with hundreds of sharp spikes. A version from Venice, sometimes called the foot screw or toe breaker, connected the crank mechanism to a drill that slowly mutilated the foot by boring a hole through the center of the instep as the press was tightened. The instrument was of sufficient power and cruelty to pulverize the tiniest of toe bones.[2]
Medieval boots were built according to a wide array of architectures. One commonly encountered boot consisted fundamentally of a pair of upright parallel boards that splinted the toes. Turning the screw squeezes the toes between the boards, inflicting lateral pressure on the metatarsal heads and causing agony. This is the type of boot commonly associated with the torture of Esmeralda in Victor Hugo's Hunchback of Notre-Dame. The cruelty of the torture could be increased by spacing the toes apart with stiff wooden pegs. Various extensions of the instrument were designed to crush the ankle, calf, or knee in addition to its primary target, the instep. The toes often protruded from the front of the boot, facilitating the infliction of additional tortures, such as forcibly tearing the nails from the toes with red-hot iron pincers.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Article: Surviving Special Needs (©2011)

Surviving Special Needs

By Annissa Yahnke  © 2011

It’s funny, some days, how people perceive you.  Some days, people look at you like you gave birth to a monster, and others, people feel the need to tell you how strong you are.   What they don’t understand is being a parent of a child with special needs has nothing to do with strength.

            I personally dislike the phrase “special needs.”  Every person has a few special needs, a certain type of bottled water they prefer, the need to feel superior, or just those who enjoy not being noticed.   They are all special needs an individual has to cope with feeling comfortable.   My children, they are unique!

            My middle two boys are my medical miracles.  I have one child born with a rare disorder called Mosaic Trisomy 16, and was only one pound twelve ounces when he was born.  The Doctors, I was told later, pretty much had no hope of him having any quality of life.  However, he is 9 years old now and proved them all wrong.  Does he have hurdles?  Of course he does, but nothing like they tried to make me believe he would.  Then my 3 year old came along and he has what seems like a never ending list of medical stuff going on, from Autism, to missing part of his brain, to having a type of dwarfism, and more.  The thing I hear the most:

YOU ARE SO STRONG!

            Yeah, not so much!  It has nothing to do with my strength.  It has more to do with supporting my children and being there for them.  Doing everything that needs to be done to make sure they have a good life.  Having a wonderful support system, and finding outlets for myself and my family to create a type of normality.   Most of all, it comes right down to love.  LOVE is the key to it all, you’ll do anything for love.

            Most parents of kids with unique issues would give anything to trade places with them, to protect them from the pain, and let them live in the innocence that most children get to experience in whole.   Most of us don’t break down until we’re behind closed doors, because we don’t want our children to see how much it affects us, because it’s not about us.  All parents just want to protect their children.   Unfortunately, those of us who have unique kids, we have to sit back and watch them go through things no child should have to.  We have to be their biggest cheerleader, their support, their parent, their friend, and sometimes their nurse.

            So what about us parents?  How can we survive all this and not just fall apart.  It’s all about a few key things.
•         Trusted Doctors
•         Wide Support System of Family & Friends
•         Taking some ME Time.

And when one of those things isn't in place, everything just feels off balance, so it is important to find that balance.

            If you don’t like your doctor, keep looking!  We have gone through a few that we didn’t like, but for the most part, we have found a lot of wonderful people in the medical field.  Having that support system is very important.  Family, Friends, Church, even strangers will come up and offer help, there is nothing wrong with taking it!  It is sometimes hard to do, but you will need to take it.  Practice saying YES, instead of NO … followed with “we are doing okay.”   It’s okay, to not be okay!  Finally, finding some time for yourself is usually the hardest.  I know I’ve gone days where I don’t eat and it suddenly dawns on me when I’m not feeling well at the end of the day.  It’s hard to take time for us when our children needs us so much.  Read a book, take a bath, play on Facebook, find something that is selfish and just for you, for at least twenty minutes every day.  Even if it’s after your kids go to bed, and making yourself take the time before you go to bed.

            The last thing I suggest is starting a blog.  It may not be for everyone, but I suggest it mostly so you can get out some of those pent up feelings that you don’t want to let out, because it’s not good to hold that stuff in.  It can be a private blog, for just your eyes, or a very public one where you share it with family and friends to keep them updated.  If writing is not your thing, that’s fine.   Just do it for yourself, most of you will find it therapeutic.  Who cares if no one but you reads it, you aren’t doing it for readers, you are doing it for yourself.   If you go public with it, it’s also a great way to get awareness out about your child’s medical issue.  Even if you go public, you don’t have to use names, or locations.  Give your family a cute nickname, call each of your kids something else.  Information you share is up to you.   And there are places of support for bloggers for Unique Families.   It’s always nice to be able to talk to other families who understand a little, or a lot, on what you and your family might be going through.

            Most of all, take time to capture memories with your children.  Photos, mementos, maybe even start a scrapbook.  It’s amazing how fast they grow up, how much they change, and it’s wonderful to sit back some nights and just take a walk down memory lane.

            Our children are everything to us.  It’s amazing how, once they are born, it’s not about us anymore, it’s all about them.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Article: Against The Odds (©2005)

Against the Odds

            Pregnancy is supposed to be filled with joys and happiness.  You are supposed to go buy cute little baby things.  Your friends and family are supposed to throw you a baby shower where you are given useful, and charming things.  You are supposed to complain about all those horrible pregnancy symptoms, marvel in first kicks, and delight in the sight of your child on ultrasound.  It's a time for plans and excitement.

            Not for terror and confusion.

            It's not supposed to be a time of unknowns, and such fear that you can't bear to create a beautiful nursery for your baby-to-be.   Where you wander around the baby departments at your local stores, pick up little things in pure want, and feel your heart sink as you place it back.  Having a million questions that can't be answered by anyone, including the best doctors, and simply not knowing what will be in store for your precious baby.  Being too scared to complain, because you are afraid that God will take your baby away.  No one can ease your fears, they only seem to add to it, with more questions and new worries.

            Welcome to the world of a rare genetic disorder called Mosaic Trisomy 16.  Countless families have stepped into these shoes, and yet there is still only as much known about the disorder as there was ten years ago.


            What is Mosaic Trisomy 16?   A Trisomy is when there is three of the same chromosome, instead of two, in each cell..  Mosaic means that the extra chromosome is not in all of the cells, but only in a select number, or pieces.  16 is the chromosome number affected.  

This is an extremely rare genetic disorder.  If a child had Trisomy 16, meaning all cells were affected, they would die in utero, probably before the first trimester is over.  It is believed to be one of the most common reason's why some babies are miscarried.  There are also several other Trisomy disorders not only affecting the 16th chromosome group, but many of the other 23 groups of chromosomes.  Some of the more common ones have names, Trisomy 21 is Down's Syndrome, and probably the most common Trisomy there is.  Trisomy 18 is Edward's Syndrome, and Trisomy 13 is Patau Syndrome.  It is commonly believed that any child with a Trisomy will have no quality of life, but that is simply not the case.  A lot of children who survive pregnancy, birth, and infancy with a Trisomy have problems, but not all have the worst-case scenario the doctors and genetic teams would like for you to believe.  Some of these children prove those disbelievers completely wrong, and you would never know there was a thing wrong with them.  

            In the instance of Mosaic Trisomy 16, or as those who deal with it on a daily basis call it, MT16, there are no known absolute "this is how your child will be" cases.  Each child born with MT16 is different and has varying medical problems and conditions.  Some of the more common things are; Intrauterine Growth Retardation (IUGR), Prematurity, Two-Vessel Umbilical cord (they usually have 3 vessels), Congenital Heart Defects, and a lot of the boys have needed Hypospadias Corrections.   The other problems are too far and wide a list to share.  Each case, as each child, are different.  As is each story.


            Our story started in 2001.  Five years of secondary infertility and several miscarriages after our first child my doctor offered the possible solution of a common fertility drug.  Clomid is commonly used to help with ovulation difficulties.  On our third month of this medication, and when we least expected it, I finally conceived, on my birthday.  Only a few days later I went into the office for a routine blood test, knowing it would be like all the rest, a big fat negative.  Instead, I was surprised and shocked into tears with a positive result.   Completely disbelieving, I took a home pregnancy test the following Monday, and was still shocked and amazed that it had too, come back positive.  We had an early ultrasound done the following week, and saw nothing.  I was worried there, a little, but somehow I knew, this time was different.  At least that's what I wanted to believe.

            On July 26th, we went in for our second ultrasound.  Still only a few weeks along, we were looking for that baby, and the relief of seeing a heartbeat.  When the ultrasound tech began, we saw a little line and a little beating bubble connected to it.  That was our baby, and the heartbeat.  We were given the gift of actually hearing the baby's heartbeat through the ultrasound machine.  The heart rate was 107.  Not many people can say that they heard their baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks gestation!  It was a gift, a miracle, and I knew right then and there, if nothing else, this baby was a fighter!!  Our due date was March 17th  2002, St. Patrick's Day.

            When we had our 3rd ultrasound the following month, we were blessed by hearing the baby's heartbeat again.  The little heart was beating at a rate of 180!  We were so excited, this time we could make out a little head, body, arms and legs!  Then the ultrasound tech made a comment about how the due date based on measurements was March 22nd.   I know five days isn't much, but this struck me as odd.  I asked my OB about it, and he just said not to worry about it.  I tried to brush it off, but it seemed to stick in the back of my mind.

            In September I wasn't feeling well and had our first official OB appointment.  The baby's heartbeat was detected with the Doppler, and was beating at a rate of 158.  Everything seemed fine and we were past that point where I was finally able to really get excited.  We went ahead and scheduled the Alpha Fetal Protein (AFP, Triple Screen) test for the following week.  I had one done with our oldest child and expected nothing but a normal result with this one too.

            In October I began feeling movement.   This was one of the aspects of pregnancy I loved!  On the 9th we went in for my routine OB visit.  We found out the AFP had come back abnormal, giving off possibilities of both Downs Syndrome and Spina Bifida.  Between my Doctor and my husband, they talked me into getting an amino.   So on the 19th I went in, and as terrified as I was, it was better then I had expected.  I still never wanted to do it again, and was a bit traumatized due to my own feelings on needles.  The results came back on October 30th and we went into the office to discuss them.  My mom, husband, our oldest son, and I were in a small little exam room when the doctor came in.  He told us, "It's not Downs or Spina Bifida.   The baby has a rare genetic disorder called Mosaic Trisomy 16."   Everything from then on fell on half deaf ears, up until he said, "Oh and by the way, it's a boy!"   All I could think was, it's a boy.  Our new little boy.   His name had been picked out for a while, he would be named Noah Alexander.  It seemed like a nice strong name, and in this case, this baby needed every ounce of help he could get!

            A genetics appointment was made quickly in Marshfield, about two hours from home.  When we got home after making the appointment, first thing I did was jump on the internet and try to look up any information on Mosaic Trisomy 16.  We couldn't find anything, until one thing popped up, a site called Disorders of Chromosome 16, or better known as DOC16.   A woman, named Karen, who a little over 6 years before had been in my shoes, with her daughter Shayna, contacted me.  She's the founder of the organization and the whole goal was to make sure that other families had information to go on, other then the worst-case scenarios given by the Doctors.   She became an angel on earth to me, because she provided me with as much information as she could to help us learn more about MT16.  I read all the stories on the website, I wanted all the info, good or bad.  I wanted to be prepared, and most importantly, I wanted our 5 year old son Calahan to be prepared.  We learned that no matter when his birth occurred (early or full term) he would be tiny, that was a very big commonality between all the cases.  We found out he would probably have some sort of heart issues, and possibly some umbilical cord problems but other then that, the list was long and wide of possible complications to both pregnancy and baby.  It was overwhelming and scary.  But I managed to hold onto all the good in the stories too.  These babies were making it, past pregnancy, past infancy, into childhood.  They were smart, they were reaching their milestones, and they were beautiful.

            We went to Marshfield a few short days after the diagnosis was revealed.  I was close to 21 weeks, over half way through the pregnancy, and only a few weeks away from a "viable" pregnancy if he were to be born then.  First thing we ended up doing was getting a Level II ultrasound, they pushed and poked and let me tell you, that was the most painful ultrasound of my life.  I got a few pictures out of the deal.  Then we went down to the genetics department after the 2 hour poking session and was escorted to a conference room.  They started out by telling us how this happens.  While the egg is splitting two of the same chromosome goes into one and two go into another but in this case, three go into one egg and one goes into the other the egg with one cell dies off, but the one with three continues to split and multiply.  It wasn't anything my husband and I could have prevented, or caused, it was just a fluke of nature.

            They went on, telling me how he would have no quality of life, would be mentally and physically delayed, would probably die in-utero or shortly after birth every possibly bad outcome was given to us, but not a single positive thing.  Then he said he had to give us the option to "interrupt the pregnancy."  It took me a moment.  I'd never heard it phrased like that before.  "Interrupt the Pregnancy."  I was half way through how could that even be an option.  It made me sick.  This was my child and this person was sitting there, across the table, giving me the option to terminate the life that was inside me.  The life I had fought over five long years for?  This miracle that my womb held?  MY MIRACLE?  He had the audacity to actually suggest it, especially after giving us every bad case scenario there was.  "That is not a possibility," I said after finally getting over the shock that he just suggested I kill my baby because his health wasn't perfect.  He then turned to my husband, and shocked me even more, by asking him how he felt about it.  "I feel the same way she does," he told him.  "The only way we'd do anything of that sort," he continued, "is if Noah could have better chances outside then inside."

            He finally asked if we had any questions, and I asked him how big we should expect Noah to be.  He told us that he would have low birth weight, even if he went full-term he would only be 4 to 6 pounds at birth, depending on how well he grew inside.  As things were going, he was going to be small, and I was thinking he'd be 4lbs at birth, that was the number I had in my head since finding out the news.  Our specific conditions inside had some problems.  The placenta was small, the fluid around him was low, and Noah was small for gestation.  Other then that, they didn't find anything wrong with his heart, or umbilical cord, but would give us no guarantees that there wouldn't be any present at birth. He told me that there would be physical and mental delays.  When I said "That's not necessarily true," as I knew from the information I had read off the website, he stressed the point that there would be.  Making me feel that he would not be convinced otherwise, it would happen.  I felt as if I left there, or went in there for that matter, knowing more then they did.

            In November, just a few days after my routine doctors appointment, we had a scare.  I lived in denial for four days.  I had been feeling Noah move, and then all of a sudden, for 4 days I didn't feel Noah move at all.  The first day I noticed but brushed it off.  The second day I tried not to notice.  The third day I was in denial and prayed he was moving around while I was sleeping.  The fourth day I was petrified, but too must so to make the call.  Though by the fifth day, I prayed and prayed and then called the doctor.  They told me to come in immediately, and I did.  The second they put the little microphone to my belly and we heard his heartbeat, found out all was fine, the little stinker decided to become a wiggle worm and didn't stop moving all day.  He had several days to make up for you know.  He managed to give his mother a heart attack though.

            Just a few short days later, on November 17th, the contractions started, and would continue through the rest of the pregnancy, and with-in a month it would start being very noticeable, to the point where the contractions would hurt.

December 7th I had my 6th ultrasound.  His heartbeat was 167, the determined that the placenta was smaller then what it should be, the fluid was low, and Noah had asymmetrical IUGR meaning that his brain was getting the most nutrients, then going to his organs, and then to his extremities.  He weighed, approximately, 15 oz.  Now to put this into perspective, a baby at 26 weeks gestation, should be an estimated weight of 2 lbs.

January is when things calmed down, at first, and then the tiny little holes in that dam, broke.  My blood pressure increased, to the danger point. I went in on January 28th for a Non-stress test, where they measure contractions, movement, and heartbeat.  During this NST, they lost Noah's heartbeat, which wasn't unusual, but this time, it was a very obvious heart deceleration, and not just the little monkey moving around too much.  This was a sign that the conditions on the inside, were starting to become unhealthy.  On January 29th,, I went in for another NST,  and right away my blood pressure was so high, and they detected protein levels in my urine, and that right there, put me in full diagnosis of a pregnancy complication called Pre-eclampsia, which I had also experienced with my first pregnancy.  Not only that, but during the actually NST Noah had several heart deceleration.  Before they even let me leave from the office, they gave me the first steroid shot to help mature Noah's lungs, unknowing if he would have to be delivered that very day, or not.  I had instructions to go straight to the hospital, no stops anywhere, only there and that was it.

I got there, and once I was admitted and hooked up to every machine they could possibly think of, I was barely allowed to get up to use the bathroom.  I was teased with food, and had it taken away because they weren't sure if they would have to perform an emergency c-section.  Here I was, 33 weeks pregnant, scared to death, and the end of this pregnancy was looming above us.  They gave me 2 other steroid shots to help mature Noah's lungs.  Doing an amnio on January 31st, to check his lung maturity.  Noah on the other hand, thought the needle was a toy and tried to play with it to which my doctor said "Bad Baby" and the fluid came out a pale yellow, meaning bilirubin was in the fluid. My pre-eclampsia was getting worse, and Noah's heart deceleration were getting worse every sign said, take him out now.  The following morning, on February 1st, 2002, my doctor came into my hospital room and told me he was no longer giving me a choice about going to the level three NICU hospital two hours away, I was going, but they wouldn't take the baby until the following day.

I traveled by ambulance to Marshfield, Wisconsin, to St. Joseph Hospital.  Admitted and put into a room where I was promptly told I could have nothing to eat or drink, would be getting more blood work done and another ultrasound, my 10th.  Then they would determine if they would take Noah now, or later.  After doing so, the team came in and told us, they were taking him now.  He had to come out.

They prepared me quickly shaved me, put the horrible catheter in.  By about 3:15pm I was in the operating room (I had gotten there about noon!)   They gave me a spinal.  Things went quickly from there... I was trying so hard not to cry.  Trying not to think about Noah, but what else is there to think about.  The ONLY thing I had hoped for, was to hear him cry.  I just wanted to hear him cry and know he was ok!!  Next thing I knew everyone is yelling "3:45, 3:45" I didn't know what was going on!  Only took us a few minutes to figure out Noah had been born, no one told us.  We looked over to the room where he had been taken, a room off to the side of the OR, closed off but with a window of it's own...  and there were a bunch of doctors and people in there.  We didn't even see him... hadn't even known he was born.  No one said "It's a boy" or anything.........  and that's one of those things that still kills me to this day.  We just wanted to know if he was ok, and didn't know anything.

I was taken back to my room... and we knew nothing.   It took a little while for people to start coming in.  First thing out of everyone's mouth was what a cutie he was.  We were told of specific little problems...  micro preemie weight  - told to us in grams (that means what?) ...  looks good, on the vent - didn't want him to even try to breath so they didn't let him....  had 3 little holes in his heart...  and a few other things...  Said we (meaning everyone but me) could go see him in about 20 minutes.   4 hours later, Noah's Dad, his Dad's mom, my mom and big brother Calahan finally got in to see him, (after 7pm).  Came back showing me one of his diapers, and some video...  and told me he was 1lb 12.2oz and 13 3/4 inches.   (At a normal 33 week pregnancy, a baby would be around 4lbs and 15 inches.)  They gave me some Polaroid's too.  My husband and Calahan left shortly after, leaving my Mom with me.  We played Uno for awhile waiting for my feeling to come back in my legs.  Finally it came back enough that I could move my feet and legs - and so they told me I could go see Noah now... it was around 9:20pm.   I tried so hard not to cry when I first saw him.  He was SO TINY... just unbelievable.....  I couldn't believe it....  just couldn't.   "The first 24 hours will tell the difference" I was told..... I had no doubt, he was here, HE WOULD MAKE IT.

I pushed myself the morning after he was born, I wanted to get up and do it NOW because I wanted to go see him.  I almost fainted.   Came so close I had tunnel vision and couldn't hear a thing.  But I did it..... and I was up and walking around the rest of the day.  Back and forth to the NICU... Noah did great though!!  He came off the vent about 40 hours after he had been born......  the nurses would walk past his bed and stop dead, wondering why this 1 lb baby was OFF the vent.   And after a week, he was basically termed as a "feeder, grower" ...  

Noah had several problems in the NICU... he had hyperbilirubinsim (his jaundice would keep coming back), he had his heart murmurs, he had some bradys (basically heart decelerations) - mostly the couple weeks before coming home - some of them were not "true" bradys...   he had some fluid on his brain they were concerned about, ended up putting me in a panic - but we were suspicious because our friends baby had the same thing, what are the odds of that?  It ended up being a temporary ultrasound technician and the normal one who deals with the NICU babies said it was a variation of normal, and they were fine....  they saw his right kidney was enlarged (I don't know if that has gotten better or not) ...  he had umbilical and groin hernias...  and a hypospadias (his urinary tract went to the underside of his penis instead of the tip)...  and he went through other tests for his MT16.   We found out the placenta was 100% T16, the blood was 0% T16, they did a skin graph on him, and his skin cells were 30% T16 which is what they found in the amniotic fluid was 30% from the amnio.   We are lucky to have him.  

We were there 6 1/2 long weeks, and he came home the day after his due date.   He came home at 3lb 10oz!  Everyone asks me if I was freaked out taking him home then, but I wasn't at all. I had been taking care of him while he was in the NICU - by the time he was 3 weeks old I was doing a lot of what the nurses did.  I was there between 8 and 9am and didn't leave until 10 pm usually.  A week after coming home he ended up back in the NICU for 5 days, due to a cold.  That was heartbreaking.  We had just left and there we were again.

Noah has been in the hospital only a few times since, and is doing better then anyone could have or would have expected.  He's smart and although he is mildly delayed, mostly just due to his small size, he is doing so well.  You wouldn't know looking at him, that anything was wrong with him.  So much for that death sentence, that "no quality of life" warning, we were given when he was only 4 months inside.  Although anything can happen at any time, and there is always the chance that something could drastically go wrong, it's a fear we have to live with, and not dwell on.  This disorder can affect any organ, and you can't test a child's organs for piece of mind.  I made a decision, a long time ago when I was first told about Noah's disorder, that I would accept any time I was given with him, even if it was just a few short moments.  That is the vow I live by everyday.  That is what I concentrate on.  Making the life of my child, the best it can be.

I hold a miracle in my arms everyday because I put my trust in God, and not in the medical professional I was suppose to trust giving me information.  I am thankful and know that it was technology and many many doctors and nurses who did their jobs so well that kept him alive, doing what they needed to do to get him here safe, and home healthy.  Most of all, I thank God, everyday, for the miracle I hold in my arms.  I cherish every good moment, and every bad.  I never gave up on him, and I never will.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Article: Feelings of Infertility (©2003)

Feelings of Infertility 11/20/2003

        People don't understand the emotions that come into play when you are trying to conceive and/or suffering from infertility....

       When you first start trying it’s all great!! You feel excited and strong. You throw yourself into learning all the signs of fertility.. and you are alert to everything your body is doing. You feel attractive with all the attention you are getting from your spouse. You are optimistic, hopeful, joyful, enthusiastic about the process. Eager for that day to come when you turn that pregnancy test positive. The first few months you are determined and completely untroubled. You know that things probably wouldn't happen the first month, so if it doesn't happen, it’s just all part of the process. You are still capable of moving on and just brushing it off as part of the experience. You are sure to be sensitive to those around you who are going through it too, and become a source of support. You just try to stay relaxed, because you know it’s important. Not to mention you are sure it’ll happen for you soon, and are completely at ease with the process of conceiving. You are completely comfortable and content sitting back and letting nature take it’s course.

        Then on top of all those feelings, after a few unsuccessful months, the more negative feelings start creeping in. At first you are just a little moody, and tired of the same thing month after month. You start feeling a little discontented, and disconnecting from some of things you love. You start to become unsure it will really happen, and impatient for it to happen. Then you become puzzled, and annoyed. You are torn up with everything, wondering what is wrong with you. Then you look at your spouse and wonder what is wrong with HIM? Mostly you just blame yourself, and feel worthless, and helpless.

        You are becoming trapped in the world of infertility and you can’t get out until you hit rock bottom, which takes a lot longer time then anyone realizes. It took me 5 years to hit rock bottom!

        You are edgy and upset, confused, tense, worried, and generally unhappy. You are frustrated because it’s not happening, and frightened that it won’t. You are embarrassed as people ask you if you have been successful, and uncomfortable with answering. As much as you want to know why it’s not happening, what is wrong with you and/or your spouse, you are apprehensive to do so. You are frightened that your dream of a family will never come true, and anxious for it to happen already. You are so frustrated you’d love to just quit trying, but find yourself unable to. Even while telling your family, friends, and even yourself, that you are done… you are still sucked in, trying to make it happen. Then you become worn out and depressed. You feel useless.

        Then your friends become pregnant, and you can’t help but to be jealous of them, maybe even a little resentful and spiteful. You want to be happy for them, and truly are, but behind closed doors, it’s harder to focus on the positive feelings. You find yourself glaring and perfectly happy pregnant people you pass in stores, and are disturbed by the fact that you are. You feel awful, hopeless, and shamed. You feel lonely, like you are the only person who understands and no one else possibly can. You think your spouse blames you and you feel guilty for letting yourself get in so deep.

        At the bottom of the pit of infertility, there is nothing but anger, hurt, pain, loneliness and misery. Completely trapped and afraid, there is no way out. You are furious that you let yourself go down this deep, and terrified you’ll never get out. All because you wanted that one precious thing it seems everyone else can have, except you.

        I'll admit, I'm very lucky... starting out our family, I'm one of those rare people who got pregnant coming out of the starting gate!! The first month we haphazardly tried, we were pregnant. Unfortunately, the pregnancy started out with a miscarriage, and my joy quickly turned to grief! It hadn't even been a week that I had known I was pregnant... and then the spotting started, and then stopped... and then the massive cramping started where I could do nothing but curl into a ball and cry.... and then the bleeding, I've never bleed like that before in my life, and the clots and ... I knew.. I just knew my baby was gone. And it hurt so badly. Ever since I was little, the only thing I ever wanted to be, was a Mom.... We figured we'd try again right away... but the pregnancy symptoms never went away... it took me a month to go in and finally get tested, and to find out I was still pregnant. (It had been twins) We decided to try for more – right away. It was then, that our problems only begun. And the Infertility Monster sucked me in, and I let it. I spent 5 years of tests, different doctors all telling me the same thing, and doing nothing…. I kept trying, even when we weren't trying. I had several more miscarriages, and with each one a little piece of hope shattered like a glass of fine crystal. I was hurt, and everything I described above. I was lost, so ready for the journey to be over, and so ready to just say enough. But I couldn't, and I knew it – not matter what, I was sucked in. Then I met my current DR and as much as I was not in there for infertility treatments, that’s exactly what he provided me with. He told me I would have another baby, and prescribed me Clomid… and suddenly I had new hope. But after two unsuccessful cycles and the third taking it’s toll on me, I was just done. That was it, I hit my breaking point. No more. NO MORE!!!!!! We didn't even make love that month, really. Twice mid-cycle, and once on my birthday, then three times late in my cycle. I continued out the cycle, temping and charting, because I had already took the Clomid. But I knew – there was no way – and I was DONE. Then 11 days after my birthday, on July 6th, I went in for my routine blood test, ready to say I’m done, no more. I need a break. When the unexpected happened….. it came back positive. I started crying… spilling tears of frustration and happiness all mixed into one. Five years of pent up feelings rushed out of me ….. but with my history, I wasn't truly free until I heard that heartbeat, and knew – everything would be okay. I wasn't truly free until my second son was born, until I held him, his tiny little body, in my arms and heard him cry for the first time. I wasn't truly free until I brought him home …

        I hope that we will have another miracle, and I pray I do not enter into the Infertility Abyss again…